Wednesday July 29th 2020

Monday I was feeling very sad, this happens to me sometimes. The weather wasn't very good, and my tomato plant kept blowing over in the wind, so I had to keep trekking along the street and round to the garden to keep standing it up.

I sometimes think about family members I've lost over the years, I'm dreading the time when my parents go as their all I have left in Salisbury. I'll be on my own after they've gone. I wonder who came for gran when she died on that June Monday afternoon 1980 all those years ago.  

Was It aunt Marie? She died in the 1970s, she was grans eldest. Aunt Joan apparently awoke suddenly one night in Warwickshire and knew aunt Maria had gone to spirit.  She said she slao sensed grandad standing in the corner of the room watching her the night he died, apparently at 3.15am; then two coppers turned up at the door in the morning to say he had passed away. 

Aunt Maria had been battling lung cancer caused by smoking, I remember going to the infirmary, but not being allowed in. Children wern't in those days, so I was put in a waiting room facing a wall of all things; while mum and aunt Joan went to visit her.  Dad stayed behind to mind me.

She used to live with gran @ Hudson Road, her room was at the top of the stairs. I was never allowed upstairs, I got shouted at if I went up them. I wasn't even allowed up there when my cousin's stayed over during the summer.  Grandad stayed a lot upstairs, I really didn't know who he was; to me he was just the man who lived upstairs.  Then he died and i often wondered where he had gone to!

It seems such a long time ago, the house must have seemed awfully quiet after aunt Maria died. I probably didn't help the situation by asking her where she was! I was a stupid little girl.

I hated the chain pull toilet, when you pulled the chain the flush was loud, it whistled into an eerie silence as it finished.  There were two stepes down into the bathroom, I remember a pink heart shaped bottle in the window. 

Me and dad were talking about gran, great aunt Kitt, aunt Maria, uncle Mike; about the past and dad said 'well their all gone now' and sadly they are. I've lost a lot of friends over the years through death. My family is slowly dying off, my parents mean a lot to me & I can't imagine life without them.  I know I have to let them go one day, but I can't yet.  if I don't, spirit will do it for me anyway whether I like it or not.  I can't control that, no one can.

I was devestated when gran died, but no one really spoke to me about it. I remember one sunny afternoon sitting on a footstool looking at an old photo of gran, grandad, aunt Marie, aunt Joan and mum. Apparently the photo had bin taken in Bournemouth or Weymouth. Mum said she could remember it, she was the youngest.  Mum and her siblings used to take holidays in Weymouth and Brighton.

I started crying because I knew half of them had gone, and other family members would be next. My parents were in the back garden with aunt Joan, and a Red Admiral butterfly flew in.

I also remember falling on a nail in the back garden, knocked the wind out me: why grandad put it there I dunno. 

I'm really missing the seaside, I'm soooo tempted to jump on the bus or the train to go down.  But I'm so worried about getting Corvid-19 and bringing it back with me.  I feel trapped in Salisbury with only my memories of the sund, sand and sea; and it drives me nuts.  The sounds of the Shadows reminds me of happier times when I could rush out to the seafront onto the sand, but sadly due to Corona virus that has been taken away from me.

On the news, Spain is going into lockdown again due to a second wave.  Anyone coming back has to go into isolation for 14 days, apparently there's long quea's at Gatwick and Heathrow; a lot of cancellations have happened.

I'm worried we will go into a second lockdown and I would hate that, the PM says it could happen within two weeks, so I better get my hair cut while I can.  Thursday is the best day, and the weathers suppossed to be better.

 

There are further spikes in the Manchester area of Oldham which is worrying, A total of 118 new cases have been recorded.  I don't want to be sperated from my parents a second time.  Everywhere in town I see masks or face shield's, I have a pink mask but it makes my glasses fog up which is annoying.

A lot of cancer patients who could have been saved are going to die, because their treatments were cancelled due to the virus; they should have been made a priority.  Now a lot of senseless death's are going to happen because of the stupid Chinise virus, I call it that because that's where it fucking came from!  Also As many as 20,000 survivors of coronavirus could be diagnosed with potentially deadly sepsis within a year, experts warn.  Sepsis happens when the body's immune system overreacts to an infection, which can lead to organ failure and death.

Everyone (and I mean everyone) has to have the flu jab this year, some people might refuse it but I'm not!  If they want to die then that's up to them, but I don't want to die not just yet.  It makes my blood boil when wankers refuse to believe Corona virus is real and think it's a fucking hoax to topple Donald stupid Trump.  IT IS NOT A BLOODY HOAX!  ASSHOLES!

Someone in the White House has proved positive, so I hope the Trump doesn't catch it, but he might because he refuses to wear a mask.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life afraid to go out, with a mask glued to my face.  I can't live like that!  I want my freedom back!

My mental health is going nut's, I'm going nuts.  Cannot wait for this cursed year to end.