Saturday 22nd may 2021

 It doesn't feel like may today, more like April with grey skies and drizzle.  I went back to SP2  cafe on Thursday which was brilliant, lovely to see all the guys again.  I also had my walking group in Victoria Park which I wasn't looking forward to as the weather had turned. I went anyway.  Glad I did because the rain went off, but it was still very windy.  

I went to a farm today with the camera club which has horses on, Richard picked me up at 9.15.  It's a bit out on the sticks towards White Parish village, the grape seed is out with yellow fields a sign of better weather; not at the moment it isn't!  Photographed a model with blond hair, she must have been freezing in the dress she wore.  I don't normally do model's as it's not my forte, the area was very scenic though.  We met some very nice horses including an Appaloosa, the kind the native Indian's rode.  There was a lovely brown horse who was a right character and tried to run off with Ian's camera bag, he reminded me of Fina and I started to remember my time at the RDA (Riding for the disabled).  It's sad to think that Pat, Sheila and many others I knew are now gone.

I saw some chalked art on signs in the High street asking 'I will not forget' I want to write 'this damned virus in a hurry!'  Would the artist let me?

I had my final jab at Leaden Hall, I couldn't make the Saturday they had chosen so I moved it to Thursday.  Now, many people in India have to have one or two eye's removed, due to a Covid side effect called Murcomysis which is a rare but dangerous fungal infection also called black fungus.

Sometimes I get lonely, it's hard to describe my feelings.  I didn't want to die a virgin that would have been a curse.  I didn't feel right inside and felt trapped.  I felt like I was stuck in a glass bottle banging the sides, and screaming to be let free. I wanted to be with a man who loved me as I did him but I kept being let down.  Either he loved me but I didn't feel the same way or I would be attracted to a man but he wouldn't be attracted to me.

My Ex brian I loved very much, but he used me and I find it hard to trust men now, but at the same time I don't want to be left on the shelf.

I couldn't talk about this with mum because I'd have to say it more than once because of her deafness, it's quite hard trying to talk about it in the first place without shouting it out for all of the world to hear.  And besides, she never took me seriously anyway which I found frustrating.  Always damned interrupting and abruptly changing the subject to talk about something random.  Don't get me wrong, I love mum very much but It was like I was banging my head against a wall; like I wasn't being heard.

When I used to play music on my walkman (sounds old now) I gave up trying to listen to it, because mum had the TV so loud it used to drown out what was playing even though I had earphones on.  Dad has the TV on very loud now even though he has subtitles, sometimes I can hear the neighbour's dance music playing during the afternoon.  They must have hearing problems playing thump thump music like that.

Sometimes I'm plagued by depression, I call her 'the bitch'; Winston, one Churchill called his 'his black dog'.  Sometimes the Bitch says I'm useless and can't do anything right, But I'm determined to stay positive which can be very hard work when I'm convinced no one gives a damn about me.  Sometimes I cry but never in front of anyone because it shows I'm weak, so I keep my tears secret.  I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, it's embarrassing.  I've learnt to swallow my pain until I'm alone, it feels like I've got a huge stone stuck in my through hurting me.  I've never had a proper birthday party because I don't deserve it, I've watched other people have them, but then no one's interested in the autistic trollop anyway.

I'm looking forward to my visit to South Devon and won't let anyone or thing get in the way.  I'm going to try and record it all in this blog, if not then I may start up a travel blog.  I want adventures and it's a big world out there, for the time being, I'm staying in the UK; so I'll say it's a big island then.  There's a lot of the UK I haven't seen yet, I'm not satisfied with just seeing it on the TV, I want to see it for myself.

It's going to be strange going to Newquay without my parents, but they are at that time now where age is starting to catch up on them.  We've had 6 years (or is it 7?) of years of us going to Newquay, the first time we went it was lovely weather all those two weeks.  I remember someone ironing their shirt in the hallway of the guest house, seems such a long time ago now.