Saturday 24th October 2020

It's my birthday on Tuesday, it always falls during the half term and I've never had a proper birthday party, I feel I don't deserve it anyway.  Because I am autistic people never really liked to be seen with me when I was at school, probably because I was (and probably still am) regarded as an embarrassment because of the way I act.  After my parents go there will be no more presents and no one left alive who knows when my birthday is anyway.  I know material things arent the be and end all, but an era will end after my parents are gone. I will never ever again recieve the same affection and compassion from anyone else that they give me, because I sometimes feel no one gives a damn. Theyve got their own lives, why should they worry about some one like me.  I'll just have to get used to being lonely and forgotten about, I've got my memories of how happy I once was as a child.

People say they care, but at the end of the day they will return to their lives and I'll return to my lonley house with only the TV and my books for company; I will be forgotten by my cousins althrough they are very negetive anyway.  

I type my feelings with tears rolling down my face; because i write better then I speak; I owe Ann Frank a lot.  Paper is more patient then man.  I get so sad sometimes, I will never cry in front of anyway an it's shaming.

If I vanished, no one would be that bothered, no one would come looking for me.

I have a Dr's appoinment on Tuesday, I have asked Jen my support worker to come with me. It's to do with the hole in my armpit which they say they have to operate on, i think I may be forced to go on my own as Jen doesn't work Mondays and will say Tuesday is too late; another set back.

I keep being dogged by setbacks.  Sometimes when i have opportunities happen occasionally to me, something inevitably goes wrong and the rug is yanked out from under my feet.  I once had the chance to have one of my stories read by actors, so I emailed it and guess what?  They couldn't open the damned file!  Great stuff.  NOT!

I now do photography which I enjoy, but even there I've recieved set backs where I send files to competions via PC and they corrupt and become unusuable.

Just started the gardening lark and my damned greenhouse blew over in the wind, smashing two pots making them un-usuable; I can't win can I?


   



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